So be it

Wow. I am getting old. I actually WANT to go to bed before 11pm. What is going on here? I remember a few years ago when we would still be home, getting ready, playing tunes, drinking wine, getting ready to go out for 11pm. Now Im all cozy in my jammies, lights turned down, and so so ready for bed!
I am definately getting old.

Im thinking its time to go to bed and explore the 'darkside' as BK would say :) I would definately prefer company, but hey, to be honest, us women have it easy :) No need for blow up dolls, just a small battery operated toy. Simple to conceal, when necessary...

Work

Work Work Work. The company I work for was bought out and now we are all up in the air as to whether we will have jobs in a few months. It sucks because I havent even been there a year so Im fucked as far as a severence or anything. I guess we will wait it out and see.

What I have learned.

Internet dating: What I have learned 101

First thing to know, you never NEVER really know someone. I dont care if it is one day one week one month or one year. What you think and what is true are never going to be the same thing. You will think you know them inside and out, and the truth is you know only what they choose to divulge to you. Until you can look them in the eye, you never will ever know the truth. I dont care how many people say, "but we REALLY know each other" its not true. That would, it would be impossible without being able to sense and react to the physical. You never really know. How do you know that his impulses arent to pick up things and throw them at your head and scream and yell. You cant tell only being "online". I used to be such an advocate, I mean what a good way to get past the initial first glance and really be able to dig deep and get to know someone from the inside out. But I think that the fear of the unknown, unless you are a saint or Jesus himself is way too much to handle. You just never know. And when you think you really DO know....it blows up in your face.

Internet Dating 101- Dont do it.

New Years Resolutions...a little late.

I decided that I would have some new years resolutions since its already almost a month past :)

1. Save money
2. Pay more attention to myself
3. Take more risks
4. quit smoking
5. Exercise more
6. Spend more time with my family and friends
7. Get a promotion
8. fix my car
9. Good grades in school

Good Things

It can sometimes be a really good thing when an old "friend" pops into your life again!!! Yay for me :)

Any which way but...

This weekend I actually got out and was able to hang out with friends and have a good time! yay! But I realized that alot of my anger has gone away, and now I just really miss A. We still talk, so its not like I miss him in that sense. I just miss being together. I am almost to the point of understanding what happened, and I feel bad for him. I dont think he knows himself enough to have someone else in his life to know. He is afraid of change I think, and afraid of trying. Maybe afraid of failure? Im not sure. He is content with his life, but I wonder if there is anything that really brings him excitement? And makes him feel exhilarated? How can you have those things if you are afraid to take chances? I dont know. I wish that I could help him spread his wings, but thats one of the other problems. He doesnt let me in when things are tough. Maybe my role in his life is to be a friend that helps him. I dont know. I still love him, and that either makes me stupid or very understanding. Who knows. I dont like to give up. Maybe thats my problem.

Let Down

You're due for some excitement in the department of relationships -- the kind that will keep you smiling for at least the next 24 hours. The individual who'll put that flush in your cheeks may also be arranging a lovely surprise for you, too -- something you'll never see coming. They'll be amply rewarded for their efforts, of course. After all if anyone can show gratitude in a charming, wonderful way, it's you.

This is my horoscope for today!! Why didnt it happen? Whatthefuck!?
Damn you horoscope! Damn you!

Frustrations..

I have decided that I am sexually frustrated. Every day something makes me think of sex. This can't be good. Im so not into the casual fling anymore, and I am definately not going to go out and start dating someone just to have sex. So I need to figure out some happy medium. Is it terribly wrong to have a casual fling if both people consent to it being just sex? Men do it all the time. I dont know how I would actually feel about it. But I have definately thought about it. Ive been devoted to one person, have practiced restraint being that it has been distance for a year, let me tell you that is DEFINATELY the most control ive had to have over myself in my life. I guess the point of my whole post today would have to be....im sexually frustrated. And I am going to need to do something about that soon or I will be a really cranky girl.

Cheer the Hell up

Ha! That made me laugh :) Sooooo a blog not about my problems!

I was talking today with a friend about a movie that is coming out. V for Vendetta. It is based on a graphic novel and he is from outside the USA and thinks that it will not be released here because of the references to terrorism. Which he said is unfortunate because it is a wonderful story. I was thinking about that. I hate that in this country we put a taboo on things that we dont want to hear, read about, or see, thus making them more sought after and giving them more popularity. Sooooo many things come to mind. So much censorship, how can that be a good thing?

The buzz

Tonight I got sad a bit. Cried a little. Will this go away? I just have this empty feeling, and when something good, bad, or just conversation worthy happens I want to tell him about it. But then I think, am I not supposed to? We are talking a bit now. Its a bad weekend for me. And I need him. Even if its a front for him, I need that front to get through. Its two years now. I dont know if im sad over Led, or A. Im such a mess. But im not all at the same time. Im actually feeling a bit relieved to have so much time. Time to just sit and watch television, clean my house, read a book. I miss the time with A though, I dont know, they are different sorts of enjoyment I guess. Next weekend I was asked to go to a hockey game. I so dont do hockey. What do you even wear to a hockey game? Its ice, cold, so im assuming layers and layers of clothes. I can just picture it, getting picked up and walking out with ear muffs, a thick scarf, a hat, two pairs of mittens, and a down coat. And him being in a fleece and jeans. That would be my luck :) Why am I going? Because I need to get out and do things.

As proof of how bad my year is starting, I got flowers the other day, and I was so excited to add some life to my apartment, so I put them on my desk, so pretty, lilies and daisies.... and I got home today and the cat ate half of them. Yes, munch munch ate them. I wonder if they tasted good?! I wonder if thats not good for him...damn, now im going to have to go look that up or Ill wake up every hour to make sure he is breathing.

Tomorrow is Friday, and I am not looking forward to the weekend for the first time in my life I think, haha. But I will get through this, like I do everything else im dealt. And then the rest of the year can only get better :)

Cheers!

A Better Day

Today I took his picture down from my cube at work. I feel better immediately. Im thinking that maybe I have some more to think about. Is it worth all this pain and saddness? Nope. I dont think it is. Maybe this is how it is supposed to be. Maybe we will be happier without each other. I think of how happy I have been this year, but then the major things, the things that really matter, are memories of saddness and being abandoned and just not being enough. I cant feel that way. I wont feel that way. Its hard enough to work on my self esteem alone, but having someone making me feel im not good enough to love, that is too much for me. I will never be the person I want to be this way. I thought love was enough, but apparently thats another lesson I needed to learn. Im glad I learned to really trust and give myself to someone else, the good was REALLY good, but the bad is really bad. All in all its been worth it. Its a new year, a new day, a new week, and a new me.

Back to work

So the last two weeks I was on vacation. A was supposed to be here so I took the time off. Today I went back to work. Wow what a difference. So many other things to focus on, so many people I missed. I never in a million years thought I would say it but....im so glad I went back to work!

Ill try to calm down with the private pity parties ive been having :) Who really wants to read that shit?!!

Nothing

Nothing makes me happy today.

Another day

One more day of thinking, reading over old letters, and just trying to understand why. I dont think I ever will. I think I was blinded by love that I didnt expect that the reality of the distance, the challenges, the changes, could ever be something that would come between us. I thought we could overcome anything together. I really believed this with all of my heart. I spent a year of my life learning to accept this, believe it, and anticipate the days when it would be easier and the only challenge would be what to make for dinner. I guess I was blind. I guess that the words he said, the feelings he showed, the promises made werent as real, and maybe I have made more out of it than it ever was. This is the hardest part. How long have I believed things were great when really it was never enough for him. When really I wasnt it for him, when I read so much that I was. Ive read some things, looked over some letters, and in one of them he told me I was his whole world. So what happened? In such a short time, where did that go? Why are you so afraid. I wont let anything bad happen to you ever, I just want to be with you. Together. Thats all we have wanted. Or so I thought....

Empty

I really miss him.
This is harder then I ever imagined it would be.
Ill stay strong.

unexpected

I was thinking about how when you think your whole world is ending there seems to always be some small little thing that pops in and makes you think, things could be worse! Im so happy for that today. My little thing that popped up to let me know I will be ok. :)

I have felt so sad, and just lost lately. And for once, today, I feel like I found a little piece of myself.