Colors of Fall

I cant wait for fall. For the colors. I love it. It is the most relaxing time of the year for me. The colors are amazing to me. My favorite thing is to grab a bunch of cd's, jump in the car, and go drive out in the country, where the trees line the roads. Just drive for hours, and then make sure to find a different route home. I love it because its something i can do alone, or with someone else. And I enjoy it the same either way. With someone else I would probably want to stop more, like in the small towns, for lunch or ice cream or a key chain. Something dumb like that.

Feeling bad but feeling good

Im feeling bad but feeling good at the same time. I think I should be feeling badly still, but Ive got some good things going on too, so Im really excited about them. I start my new job Monday, and school in a month. Ive made some really good friends recently, and where as a year ago I would have wanted to dwell in how sad and hurt I was, right now I want to do something about it and feel good about whats still there, and what is new and what I have :) Im seeing A coming to terms and it seems like he is not so angry anymore, that makes me happy, I feel like maybe a friendship will be possible afterall. That feels good. There is more, but I will get into that later. Sorry for my few depressive posts, im still sad at times, but one thing ive learned this past year is that there are always worse things that could be happening, and the clouds will go away, the sun will come out. It just always does :)

Why

Watching the news and Im so sad. So much hatred in the world. Of course Im talking about the bombing in London this morning. I just watched the news, after writing my blog, and I feel ridiculous for how im feeling when people are dying and this world is full of such hatred. When is it going to end???????

Make it stop

Ok, here is what I did to fuck up my life. You wanted me to post it HERE YOU GO. I didnt communicate enough, I tried so hard to make it right, to not feel there was something wrong with me when things started feeling more casual. I talked to my friends and asked them to help me, Ive known you 8 mos, THEM MY WHOLE LIFE Why did I talk to them, because I KNEW I would do this the wrong way, and look, I guess I did. It was my fault for hoping I could fall back in love. I didnt talk about it with him. I didnt want him to see it. I thought it would come back. I fucked up. We wont talk about the shit I DID overcome because of him, we will talk about the thing I failed at overcomming. He knew my past and my problems and my lack of trust, and every single bad thing that has happened to me. He knows all of my relationships were fucked up, and I was BOUND to make a mistake, I guess this was the biggie. I will learn from it. I have to, but I CANT and WONT be with him because I think I owe it to him. I dont EVER want to resent him, he is to date the most important and influencial male in my life. Maybe that has something to do with it, I dont know. I admire and appreciate everything about him, but I just cant live up to what he thinks I am. Or maybe its what I think he thinks I am. I dont know anymore, Im tired, my eyes hurt from crying, and I just want to not feel ANYTHING.

Sad

It didnt happen, it ended. I took the time to really think about where I wanted to be and what I wanted, and it was so far off from what he wanted. I dont know why I never saw that, I think I was blinded by how good it felt to be with someone again and I didnt want to let go. I talked to a friend who really made me open my eyes. I was being so unfair to him and to myself. He hates me right now. I hope it isnt forever. But right now I think he needs it to get over it. I cant stay with someone for the wrong reasons, Ive done that my whole life. I would rather leave him for the right reasons than stay for the wrong ones. Im sorry baby, if you read this. I just couldnt do it, I wasnt strong enough and I couldnt lie to you anymore and pretend everything was ok. It was starting not to feel so "right" and when it is, I expect Ill know it. If we meet down the road maybe its just the time that isnt right, I dont know. Ive never hurt this much. I know I hurt you too and Im sorry, I hope you will look back and realize how hard this was and see why I had to do it. Ill always love you, but I need to be "in love" and not just comfortable.