Make it stop

Ok, here is what I did to fuck up my life. You wanted me to post it HERE YOU GO. I didnt communicate enough, I tried so hard to make it right, to not feel there was something wrong with me when things started feeling more casual. I talked to my friends and asked them to help me, Ive known you 8 mos, THEM MY WHOLE LIFE Why did I talk to them, because I KNEW I would do this the wrong way, and look, I guess I did. It was my fault for hoping I could fall back in love. I didnt talk about it with him. I didnt want him to see it. I thought it would come back. I fucked up. We wont talk about the shit I DID overcome because of him, we will talk about the thing I failed at overcomming. He knew my past and my problems and my lack of trust, and every single bad thing that has happened to me. He knows all of my relationships were fucked up, and I was BOUND to make a mistake, I guess this was the biggie. I will learn from it. I have to, but I CANT and WONT be with him because I think I owe it to him. I dont EVER want to resent him, he is to date the most important and influencial male in my life. Maybe that has something to do with it, I dont know. I admire and appreciate everything about him, but I just cant live up to what he thinks I am. Or maybe its what I think he thinks I am. I dont know anymore, Im tired, my eyes hurt from crying, and I just want to not feel ANYTHING.