Playing the fool

So I realized that I have been played. Its not fun, after a year, to realize you have been strung along here and there and the end result is being deserted for Christmas. This, my friends, is prime cut, grade A, fool for you.

So tell me something...here is how the story goes..just a bit because Im really bitter and I wont be nice, it may come off a bit jaded, haha.

Meet someone and they are everything you have ever wanted, and things are wonderful. You have a mid relationship crisis, and decide you need some time. So during this time he is begging and pleading for you to come back, saying his life is nothing without you. So, because you know you love him, you just needed to be sure of circumstances, you end up together again. Happy. Then start the plans, first its September. He will be coming to stay with you. Oops, cant come. Not only that, but three days before hand lets you know about it. Done with those plans. So the planning starts for Christmas. Coming for two weeks, we met on New Years, we will start the New Year together, how wonderful and peachy, and sugar and spice. So again, three days before hand, sorry, not going to make it. On top of that, its, I need some time, so while I am breaking your heart and soul I think Ill take a vacation or whatever and completely desert you for awhile.

But send you an email...FROM MY CELL PHONE....saying I miss you....AFTER receiving a million emails from me pouring out my heart, one liner....still feeling a bit sick. i miss you.

Fuck that.
One way to help me get over this easy I guess, be an insensitive, selfish prick. Works every time.

Indifference

That which does not kill me makes me stronger.

Time

All this time now, finals over, classes over for a month. This whole week I have gotten home from work, sat down with a glass of wine, and wondered what the fuck to do with myself. Sad.

On a really good note, I got a 4.o this semester!! WOOOHOOO! This is a really good thing, considering I had to previously take a math class that I nearly failed. Brings me to a 3.75 so far. One more year and I am done! I so wish I could afford to go full time and not work and get done this year. Oh well. I should be thankful I have the opportunity at all :) And I am!

I dont think A is going to show up for Xmas. I had a rough time dealing with it yesterday, but I think today I am just empty and feeling like an idiot. I really should have known better, but I am too gullible and a sucker. I feel stupid, but Im not that upset with myself....not as much as I thought I was. I gave it a shot, and I did all I could. There is nothing I can do about it. It is his choice and not mine. If something holds him back right now, it always will and I need to move on before we are both wondering why we wasted so much time on something so unattainable. But for now Im still going to be hopeful. It is Christmas, and I want to think that miracles can happen, even to me.

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday! Be safe but have fun. I know my plans of cocktails and spinache dip will be much needed!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Bah Humbug

I just want this week to end.
One more week until A arrives. Christmas in 5 days. And then no work for two weeks.

Im nervous he isnt going to come, and I cant shake the feeling.
He has told me he is nervous, has said something even about postponing, and flying me to him instead.
Its so hard, so much has gone into planning. I dont know what I would do or think. It makes me think the planning has been done by me, and maybe he hasnt ever been sure about it. Its not even been a question with me, but Im starting to think thats just me.
Of course I over react to everything, but this is a big thing, if im not over reacting .... So many other people involved at this point. Its not just me feeling let down. Maybe im just setting myself up, and everything will go exactly as planned and maybe just maybe I deserve something good for xmas.

Christmas is coming..

Its like a horror movie..."Watch out! Its coming to get you!"
I wonder if I should start shopping now?

So A will be here in ...25 days. Im actually less nervous than I thought I would be :) I hope that is a good thing, im thinking it is :)

Not too much to write about, Im crazy with the end of the semester being here, and I dont seem to have enough time for anything at all. I sometimes even think I am wasting my time with sleeping, I could be studying! hahaa

Just wanted to pop in :) Its been awhile!