Fear

Im finding it funny that the things that scare me the most arent things that I would have thought. Like im afraid to fly, but I would do it. Im afrad of roller coasters, but went on one this past weekend. Im afraid of committment, and I cant commit. This is my biggest fear. I want so bad to be committed, to have someone in my life who loves me and I love back. Im just so damn afraid of that whole committment thing. Im afraid that the second I know its real, I will turn into some "other girl" that he just wont want anymore. The dating and getting to know each other over with, it will just be me. And maybe im not good enough. Im having some problems understanding myself lately, and so put my relationship on hold. Im an idiot because he is the most amazing person I have ever met, but Im so afraid that I was going to end up pushing him away for good if I didnt give myself some time to try and figure out how to get over this fear. Im not having much luck. The only thing I know is im miserable without him. He is my rock, my sunshine and my box of tissues. Im concerned that I need him too much right now. Im a really independent girl and the fact that ive let myself need someone else is scaring the shit right out of me. So I think what Im trying to figure out in this "break" is how to allow myself to need him yet still stay independent .... blah, I dont know. I need to figure out how to just let myself fall into this head first and just accept the consequences. And be ready for when im dropped on my head. I just dont know if I could handle that again..... I dont know. Im so confused lately, and there is alot of FEAR. I hate that word today.

Just another Wednesday

Wow, I sure do wish it was just another Wednesday. Its not. Its been an INSANE day!! I ran out of gas first of all....on the hi-way of course, on my way home from work yesterday. Not a great thing to end a Tuesday first off. So last night was sooo warm and stressfull that I decided to join some friends for cocktails at a bar with a big deck onto the river. Well, it ended up a few cocktails too many and I am in pain today. Sitting here at work blogging, eyes half closed. I dont like being hung over.

happy

Wow, I have been so happy, I havent written in here in months. I guess that would be a good thing! But ive missed it terribly :(

Today I want to say how happy I am that I was able to meet the most amazing man I have ever known. He makes me so whole. Im having a really hard time accepting this newfound happiness though, unfortunately, thus reaching towards my blog once more. My sanctuary, my me time. I miss it. I need it. Just like a good man, crave it. So Im back! Yay for me! Im happy today to be back on my blog. Im going to make it a point at least once a week to jump on, I need it for me. I poured myself into a situation and forgot to that this blogging thing was something that helped keep me somewhat sane. (only somewhat) Im excited to check out some of the blogs Ive neglected reading the last few months...so im signing off for now!~