What is Love

The blush in my cheeks when you touch me
the thoughts in my mind as you hold me
the ache in my heart as you leave me

I dont know if I know what love is. Scarey huh?
Kind of late in my life to be finding out, but Im up for the challenge :)
I wonder if each time its so different that you have to wonder if you ever really knew it in the first place.

Whatever it is, I think im liking the idea that it is the feeling inside of me that warms me and makes me shiver at the same time. And makes me smile and want to cry at the same time. So different each time though, whether for a year, ten years, or two months with someone. Its still love.

Confessions of a Thirty-something

Im bored, so its confession time!

Confessions:

I have faked it before.

I am not ready to quit smoking yet.

I sometimes still miss my ex.

I dont even know what an orgasm feels like so I dont know if I have had one.

I used to have "buddy" sex with my neighbor who lived downstairs from me, and sometimes go out to the bar where he works looking for him to renew that "friendship" but always come to my senses before I do something stupid.

He was the best sex ive had because we had unbelievable passion. It was insane.

I never stayed at his house, I always went home after.

He never stayed at my house, he always went home after.

The first guy I dated, I dated for 5 years.

He was rough and forced anal and really scared me.

I used to think sex was love.

I cant have sex without attachment anymore, I am too emotional of a being.

I sometimes get so emotional that I get choked up and cant even cry and it actually hurts.

I have had thoughts about having sex with another woman.

The last relationship I was in was long distance, and "safe".


Ok...enough for now.
Ill write more later.

Happy

I feel so motivated and positive lately. Like another whole side to me opened up. One that would rather look for the good in things. I dont know how to explain it. So maybe I will wait until I can. Ill try to keep posting :)

WOW

Wow! Its been forever since I have posted!! I have been busy :) It seems when you arent looking for anything good to happen, and want to dwell in your sorrows, good things happen :) I met this guy a long time ago, and we ran into each other again a few weeks ago, and have been talking quite a bit. Its crazy how much we have in common. He is one of those people that I can sit and talk to for hours upon hours. The other day I think we talked for 4 hours straight. I am really interested to see where this is leading?! Even if nowhere, wow, what an awesome person to know! He is extremely motivating for me! Ill stop back in and write more later :) Got a breakfast date !

Work

Ughh. So stressfull at work lately. Trying to keep my job after a big merger with another huge company. Today we have meetings all day with the other company "best face forward" type of thing. I swear I get home and Im exhausted just from smiling all day!

Im starting to realize what a small town I live in. Ive lived all over the world, so things here have always seemed a little small town, but you would think as time goes by, some things would change. Im watching the news and they are talking about a local high school where some kid was expelled for a racially motivated fight. The kid has been dealing with racial slurs from students for a few years, had enough and popped some kid in the face. Before this, mind you, he reported it to the school and nothing was ever done. So now he has been expelled. Its the "big news" now because the family is fighting it, obviously. (ok, the fact that this is the big news story of the day tells you a little bit of how small this town REALLY is)

I have a friend in the Army that I havent heard from in awhile. Makes me nervous. I hope everything is ok with him, not sure if he was deployed to Iraq or is just busy. I hope I hear from him soon.

Lots of babble today in my post, im a little scatter brained, too much school and work stress lately! Hopefully tomorrow I will be more level.

A million faces

I have such a hard time understanding peoples faces. There are so many faces to each individual person and I dont know that I am capable of understanding each and every one, and I am not sure that I want to. Does that make me naive? Simple? Stupid? I see the best in people, I always have, I always try. I guess I see more than some people see themselves and that is the problem they have with me. Would it be better for me to see and comment on the negative at all times, remaining emotionless, cold, and bitter. Im starting to think it just might. I have somewhat been experimenting kind of. But I am finding that im just an emotional being and this actions without emotions arent really what Im looking for. Do I need a man who wants to sit and cry with me? Hell no. But I need a man. Plain and simple. I need a man willing to take responsibility for his actions, willing to ask for help, understanding compromise. I need the strength. I have been strong my whole life, I always have to be the strong one, I need, NEED someone to lean on and I NEED someone to trust me enough to lean on me the same. I dont think that is too much to ask for. But Im not so sure anymore, I guess it depends on what someone wants. If it seems like you will give them what they want, im sure they will agree to high heaven that they are all of this. When they decide to want something else, another face comes out and everything changes. And you are left trying to pick up pieces. Now here is the kicker. I dont hold much in, so its not as if these people can say "I didnt know you felt that way". They know better. So again, im naive, simple, stupid, and all of the above, but at least I only have one face.

Ughh

So Im working on some closure with the ex. Im not good at that, because I still dont understand what ended us in the first place. But I think Ive just decided fuck it. It isnt worth this much thought and effort. Im going to miss out on alot more by wasting even MORE time thinking about it. I went and got wasted the other night, havent done that in a long long time. But I felt good, I met people, talked to people I didnt know, felt somewhat social again. Really had a good time. But of course it goes to far and I get plastered and sappy. Maybe thats what I needed, because I do feel a bit more closure than I did before. But that could also be me, accepting and moving on. Thank god for that. I dont have any more to give for awhile, trying to help someone who doesnt want help takes alot out of you.